JOKE OF THE DAY:BIG MAN HOUSE

"Na. wa for all these rich people ooo. I went wit a frend to visit his babe frm a very rich family. D maid approached me&asked MAID: what would u lyk to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?

ME: tea pls.

MAID: Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, kericho gold tea,bush tea or green tea?

ME: Ceylon tea pls. MAID: how do u want it, black or white?

ME: white. ...

MAID: milk or fresh cream?

ME: with milk.

MAID: goat milk or cow milk?

ME: cow’s milk.

MAID: freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?

ME: umm, lemme go with d freezeland cow.

MAID: would u lyk it with sweetner, sugar or honey?

ME: sugar.

MAID: bee sugar or cane sugar?

ME: cane sugar

MAID: white, brown or yellow sugar?

ME: abeg, forget abt d tea, jst give me a glass of water.

MAID: mineral, tap or distilled water?

ME: mineral water.MAID: flavored or non flavored?

ME: infact get me an empty glass!

MAID: do u want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug?

ME: abeg, free me, i go swallow my spit..."LWKMGH

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20 Ways To Know If You Are Cursed

1. After working for 30 days you got fired without salary.

2. If you download anything from the internet and it fails in 99%.

3. If you take cheat into the exam hall and can't understand your own handwriting.

4. If you buy a phone at the rate of 30k today and the price drop to 16k tomorrow

.

5. You go to the restaurant on your first date. and after eating fish, the bone chock you!

6. If you scope a girl, take her to the room and junior does not stand.

7. If u break with your boyfriend and he win 200M UGX the next day.

8. If you use a heavy perfume, your body odour still remain.

9. If you work in a company for 10yrs without promotion or rise in salary.

10. If you lie to Armed robber that you don't have a phone and it rings..

11. If the person that you are cursing in a traffic turns out to be the person interviewing you.

12. If your car spend more time at the mechanic than on the road.

13. If you don't pass both mathematics and english in your final exam.

14. If you get to the exam hall and you can't remember your first name

.

15. If you are signed as the defender for a Europian club and your first task is to mark Lionel messi.

16. If your only child joins the Nigeria police force. 

17. If you lie to a Armed robber that you don't have money and your phone start ringing 'chop my money, I don't care'.

18. If you mistake super glue for eye drop.

19. After photoshopping your picture you still look ugly.

20. If a rat eats only your name out of your important document.

Add your's to it.

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He Was "Played" By A Nigerian Girl

Here is true life joke or xperience. I was eating in an eatery one beautiful afternoon on campus when I met a very irrestible pretty gurl. 

After paying 4 her food, I summoned courage 2 approach her and ask her her name and her hostel room number.

 She said her name was Funmi oyedepo and that she stays in room 32 of mozambique hall. I was so happy dat I couldn't wait 4 evening 2 come so I can pay her a visit. 

On getting to her room, I knocked and some voices responded 'who is there and who are u luking 4. I 4got her first name and all I could remember was oyedepo cos its easy 2 remember. So I said 'oyedepo'. 

Surprisingly they all started laughing and told me that nobody bears that name there and that if I really want 2 see oyedepo, then I should get cannaan land. I felt like melting wit shame.

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JOKE OF THE DAY

Akpors who wanted to get rid of his nagging and over demanding 

girlfriend tried all attempts which didn't work out. 

One day, an idea flashed into his head. 

He logged into Facebook, browsed into people's profile and succeeded 

in downloading four beautiful girls pictures. 

He printed it out and wrote with red ink R.I.P on each of the pictures.

He hid them in a magazine and kept it on top of his television. 

One Saturday morning, his girlfriend was cleaning the house and saw 

the pictures on the magazine. 

She walked up to him at the bedroom... 

Girlfriend: Darling! 

Akpors: Sweetie what is it?. 

Girlfriend: I saw this pictures in the magazine at the top of the 

television. Who are these girls?. 

Akpors: Oh that, forget about them, it's not important. 

Girlfriend: It's important to me, I need to know please. 

Akpors: Ok, this one is Onome, I met her at a friend's wedding. We 

dated and wanted to get married, but two months before the wedding, 

she got involved in a car accident and died. 

This one is Ngozi, we met at Mr Biggs restaurant, we dated for a 

while. One day, she was heading to Lagos and her car caught fire, she 

got burnt beyond recognition. 

This one is Roselyn, she was my neighbour's daughter who came back 

from London on a visit. We met and spent a night together, she got 

involved in a plane crash while returning back to London. Her corpse 

was never found. 

This one, oh Angela, her name is Angela, I loved her so much. We went 

to visit my pastor, on our way back a truck ran over our keke napep, 

she died instantly and I and the driver survived. It was after her 

that I met you. 

Girl (Cuts in): ...Met who? No be me and you o. 

She ran 100M under 6secs, who is Bolt? LMAO!!!

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FUN PHOTO OF THE DAY(JOKE)

SACKED! Six months after delivering the European Cup, Di Matteo is booted out. welcome to the world of ex chelsea coach club of England.lol

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JOKE OF THE DAY:A MUST READ STORY

This is a real story of a young ex-Unilag girl

who passed away last month. Her name was

Lola. She was hit by a car at Oyingbo on her

way to work at Apapa. She was working for

MTN. She had a boy friend named Emeka, a

banker who was recently transferred to

Abuja. 

Both of them were true lovers. She

spent half of the day and most nights talking

with Emeka on her phone. Lola's family knew

about their relationship. Emeka was very close

with Lola's family in spite of the tribal

differences. (just imagine their love).

Before she passed away at LUTH, she told her

friends "If I pass away, please bury me with

my cell phone" she also said the same thing to

her parents.

After her death at LUTH, the attendants

couldn't carry her body to the mortuary. A lot

of them tried to do so but still couldn't. They

went and called some priests in church who

had the gift of communicating with the dead.

He sprinkled some salt and water on the body

and started speaking to himself slowly. After a

few minutes, they said "this girl misses

something here".

Then her friends told them about her

intentions to bury her with her phone.

They asked them to bring a coffin, and then

they opened it and placed her phone inside

the casket. After that they tried to carry the

body. It could now be moved and they carried

it away easily.

Everyone was shocked. A day later which was

Lola's birthday, Emeka came to their house

with gifts but was so shocked to receive d

news. He couldn't believe because he still

spoke with Lola d previous day, he then tried

calling her phone again in their presence and

behold d phone rang nd Lola picked it and

they were chatting. They called d priest to

come and intervene nd when he came and

prayed for 5 hours, it was revealed dat MTN is

everywhere u go.

Pls don't shoot me yet cos I'm also looking for

d person dat sent me dis,so I can strangle him. Do hav a very wonderful day ahead!!!

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2013 Jamb Exam Hall- 9ja Funny(PHOTO)

  LMAO Here is an opportunity u wouldn't want 2 miss. JAMB is here again nd givin out fantastic prices. If u write jamb 2 times, u get a chance 2 win a deep freezer. 9 times u win a tokunbo kia Rio and u can also win a duplex In lekki but guess hw many times u would write it!! Then hurry now n get ur forms.

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JOKE OF THE DAY

If the ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE 

would have been a classroom, then:-

ARSENAL-Is a boy who works hard 

throughout the year but fails to succeed 

because of his greedy rich family that is not 

ready to spend on buying books.

MANCHESTER CITY- Is a boy who purchases all 

the expensive books but is never ready to 

read them.

LIVERPOOL-Is a child who is very much 

proud of the academic achievements of his 

grand father.

MANCHESTER UNITED-Is a boy who just 

performs in the final exams and tops the 

class.

Finally,

CHELSEA-Is a boy who fails to perform and 

puts the blame of failure on his teacher 

and then his family finds a new teacher 

for him every year!

Like and Share!

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Some Ridiculous Job Titles In Nigeria

*Gardener: Landscape Executive Officer (LEO)

*House Maid : House Upkeep Manager (HUM)

*Receptionist : Office Access Control Manager (OACM)

*Typist : Printed Document Handler (PDH)

*Messenger : Business Communications Conveyor Specialist (BCCS)

*Window Cleaner : Transparent Wall Technician (TWT)

*Temporary Teacher : Associate Tutor (AT)

*Tea Boy : Refreshment Specialist (RS)

*Garbage Collector : Public Sanitation Engineer (PSE)

*Watchman : Theft Prevention & Surveillance Officer (TPSO)

*Thief : Wealth re-Distribution Expert (WrDE)

*Driver : Automobile Propulsion Specialist (APS)

*Maid : Domestic Operations Specialist (DOS)

*Employee without Portfolio : Administration Manager (AM)

*Cook : Gastrointestina l Nourishment Management Executive(GNMO)

*Barber: Dead Scalp Cells Removal Specialist (DSCRS)

Do Not Forget Also that......

*Unemployed : Town Surveyor (TS)

*Gossip : Research & Communications Manager (RCM).

*Bad Belle pple: Research, Analysis & Criticism Specialist (RACS)

*LovePeddlers: Temporary Spouse Replacement & Care-Giving Executive (TSRCE)

*Local Drunk: Alcohol Testing & Maintenance Executive (ATME)

*Mechanic: Automotive Fault Tracing & Correction Engineer (AFTCE)

*Tailor: Couture Fabrication Specialist (CFS)

*Politician: Public Funds Diversion Expert (PFDE)

*Yahoo boy: International Wealth re-Distribution Consultant (IWDC)

*Assassin: Human Population Control Officer (HPCO) truly 9ja

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JOKE OF THE DAY

During testimony time in church this morning, 16 yrs old pastor's daughter stood up and says, 'Praise the lord'.

Everybody shouted, 'Halleluyah'.

She continue....

'Since the tender age of 13, I've been experiencing monthly period with so much pain but now after a series of Bible studies and prayers with Bro Akpors - our Sunday school teacher in his house, my monthly periods have ceased for more than 3months now. You can see I'm even getting fatter and prettier. Praise the lord.'

THE PASTOR FAINTED.

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WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PHOTO???

This can only happen where???................fill in the answer.

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JOKE OF THE DAY

Akpos, now a driver who survived in a tragic accident which rendered 49 people dead at the spot, was remanded in police custody to assist in police investigation.

Policeman: So Akpos, how did you end up k**lling 49 people?

Akpos: I was driving at 80km/h

when I saw two men crossing the road. At the other side, a wedding was taking place. 

I hit the brakes but they failed, so I had to make a choice; either hit the two men or run into the wedding party.

Policeman: Hit the two men of course!

Akpos: Ehen! We think alike ooo! But after hitting one, the other man escaped into the wedding party. So I went after him.

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JOKE OF THE DAY

A n*de guy (johny) was

sun bathing at the beach. A little girl comes to him, he covers his private parts with a newspaper.

The little girl asks, 'Whats under there?'

A bird' johny replied, The girl goes away and johny later fell asleep.

When he wakes up, he finds himself in a hospital bed,

and he was in a great pain.

A doctor came up to his bed and asks,'What happened?'

johny answerd,

'I don't knoW

I was at the beach and fell asleep

after talking to a little girl'

So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they went to the beach to find any witnesses. When they got there, they saw the little girl johny talked about.

So they asked her if she saw anything that happend to johny, She answers, 'I nOO, Just that when he was sleeping, and I played with his bird, After a while, it spat at me, so i gat angry n broke its neck, burnt its nest, and smashed all its

EGGs

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JOKE OF THE DAY

A wife suspected her husband

for having s*x with their maid,

so she set a trap for the husband

by sending the maid to village

for weekend without telling her

husband.

 At night, the husband

told his usual story 'darling, i

want to go and watch wrestling

match in the sitting room.' he

left.

 The wife silently went to the

maid's room lying on the bed

naked with no light, he opened

the door, joined her on the bed

without wasting time and

without a word, he had s*x with

her, after the fifth round she

said 'it is enough, i catch you, so

this is how you used to have s*x

with her, you will do two rounds

telling me you are tired.

Five rounds now, you are still

demanding for more.

The gateman(musa) replied."'sorry

madam, i no know say na you ohhhh.

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A Rich Man's Decision - Lesson from a Joke

A rich man died and immediate found his soul at the gate of heaven. The angel at the gate told him, “Now you are dead and you are here for judgment. 

You didn’t serve God well with all your heart, but because of all the great and good effort you made for humanity when you were alive, I will give you uncommon privilege. 

You have the chance to choose where you want to go, hell or heaven.” The rich man said the angel should allow him to see both before he could make a choice, and he asked the angel to first take him to see hell. 

 The angel took the rich man to hell and behold, beautiful ladies wearing swimming kits, dancing and having fun with glasses of wine in their hands. 

Then the angel took him to heaven, there he saw angels singing hymns and praises to God. So the angel asked the rich man to make a choice. 

The rich man said, “I will prefer hell, it is fun and more exciting there, let me go to hell” Then the angel said, “According to your decision.” 

 The rich man was thrown into hell, and to his greatest surprise he found himself in the flame of fire and furnace raining upon him with demons ready to torment him for ever.

 The rich man cried to the angel, “What happened? What about those beautiful girls having fun I saw here before?” 

The holy angel replied, “What you saw then was just a screensaver” This a joke, because Hebrews 9:27 says, "Just as people are destined to die once, and after that to face judgment ", because no choice or repentance after death, it is judgment. 

But this shows how Satan deceives people with the things of this world. Matthew 16: 26 says, “For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?”

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Joke Of The Day By Okey Bakassi

Ever wondered why Africans and black people in general do certain sports and not others? Well, Nigerian comedian Okey Bakassi has some good reasons for black people not doing too well in some of the events in the ongoing London Olympic Games. 

According to the comedian, black people don’t do so well in swimming because they don’t trust the ‘Whiteman’ when it comes to water. He said since the white folks shipped several Africans as slaves on the high seas, most Africans and black people feel that if they get into the water, they may appear on a plantation farm in an undiscovered continent at the other end of the water. He said however that when it comes to sporting activities that involve running, the ‘Black Man’ is king because black people are good at running away from danger. 

Okey Bakassi made the joke the Night of 1014 Laughs at The Dome, Accra International Conference Centre on Saturday.

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10 annoying questions girls ask, and answers they should always get in response!!

1) Are u ä player?...*Yep, Chelsea will sign me nxt season*

2) Y do u want my Pin?..*I want to use it to burst a Baloon*

3) Can u die for me?.. Tot Jesus alredi did, abi na so ur sin plenty reach?!

4) My BIS will xpire soon, what do I do?...*Take d Bb to d seller n get a Nokia torch*

5) IF I Sleep overnyte, hope nof...in will hapen?..*No mumu, we will pick Beans all nyte ni ke!*

6) Are Ƴou trying to off my bra?.... *No sulu, I am trying †̥o buckle †ђε strap for Ƴou ni*!

7) Do Ƴou love me? ....*No, I hate Ƴou! (Which guy will ever say he hates ä gurl he is trying †̥o get?)

8) Do Ƴou tink I am ä pr*stit*te?.... *No I tink Ƴou are ä runz gurl!

9) Why do Ƴou like me so much?.....*lol, bcoz Ʊ hα̲̅ve ä round ass and plumpy b**bz naa ni ke*!

10) If I take in, what will happen?....*you take out ni ke*!

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JOKE OF THE DAY

A Psychiatrist wanted to know how many of his

patients have been cured of madness, so he

assembled them in a classroom and drew a big

door on the board. He then tell the class that if

anyone could open

the door on the board, that person would receive a gift of N20,000 and would be free to go home.

On hearing this, they all rushed to the board to

open the door, except one young man who

remained in his seat at the back, smiling.

The Psychiatrist, with joy and excitement on his

face seeing that somebody has been cured of madness, went to him and asked; "why didn't you

join your mates to open the door?"

The young man replied; "No mind those mad

people. They are just fooling themselves, dem no

know say the key dey my pocket"

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JOKE OF THE DAY

A Guy and his girlfriend wanted to

commit sucide on Top of a building,their

planz was to jump off the building,

they both decided that on the count of

three, "we jump" but the girl didnt,The guy

jumped and the girl looked back and said LOVE♥ is blind but am not blind and walked away.then the guy opened his parachute and said 'am not "mad" 2 die for LOVE♥ ....'TOO

Now the Question is> who cheated between d 2

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JOKE OF THE DAY

Lagos and Warri decided to have a drinking competition. A week to d competition, Warri sent a delegate to Lagos to confirm if the competition wil still hold. 

On arrival, the people of ... Lagos brought 20-litres of their strongest ogogoro as welcome drink. The Delegate from Warri asked if he could taste and he was permitted to. 

He finished d 20- litres at once, then he said 'this is okay, where is the main drink?'.

 The pple of Lagos shouted 'Come oh! U dey among the drink competitors?' and He replied 'Me? o-o-o! I no even qualify sef!

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